sunday

hmm. today is supposed to be a day of praising Daddy Dear at the church, but once i again, i failed to go, with a reason so lame. Again i think i dissapointed my great Daddy. hmm, but i am a believer, im just not a church goer. i mean, i love Daddy dear. :), He is my life. He is the one i depend on in times of confusion and problems. I thank Him so much because right now, i feel so lonely, betrayed, confused, & all other negative feelings you can think about, (sigh) with this, letting me feel this, help me realize that in every negative feeling there's a positive feeling that contradicts it. Newton's third law!, for every action there's an opposite reaction. :). the same thing with negative feelings. there should always be balance. God works in so many unpredictable ways. right now i'm down but i know God has a plan and He will never let me stay on the ground. Why did He create friends for? for them to stretch out their hands and help me stand up and help me realize how stupid i am to not watch my step, but despite my stupidity they are still there. :). friends are one of the greatest gifts God has to offer, besides our life and family. I LOVE DADDY DEAR SO MUCH. :)

Broken Vow - Lara Fabian

Tell me her name
I want to know
The way she look
sAnd where you go
I need to see her face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in
all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

[ Chorus: ]
I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words
I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you
promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

[ Chorus ]
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to life
than only bitterness
and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

[ Chorus ]

~i just love this song. the lyrics, the message, the melody, so relaxing yet sad.

my songs.. part one..

Music is one of my best outlet of emotion. i usually associate my emotion to certain songs and somehow, i feel light whenever i hear those songs. it tells how i feel. i just want to share some of the songs that shouts out my feelings at this moment.

"Secret Love"
by Jojo
Boy you’re so hard to believe
Boy you’re so hard to believe
[Verse 1:]
Just a friend
That’s all I’ve ever been to you
Oh just a girl
Who wants to be the center of your world
But I ain’t got much to offer
But my heart and soul And I guess that’s not enough
For you to notice me
I’m just a girl
And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you To you
[Chorus:]
I try to smile when I see other girls with you
Acting like everything is ok
But ohh You don’t know how it feels to be so in love
With someone who doesn’t even know
My secret love
[Verse 2:]
In my dreams
I see us both together constantly
Why can’t you see
This love that’s here for you inside of me
Ohhh What do I have to do
For you to notice this
You look at her with love
With me it’s just friendship I’m just your girl
And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you To you
[Chorus:]
[Bridge:]
What do you see in her
You don’t see in me (don’t see in me)
Boy you’re so hard to believe
Why do you show her love
But there’s none for me
Boy you don’t make sense to me
Cause I don’t have much to offer
But my heart and soul
And I guess that’s not enough
For you to notice me
I’m just your girl
And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you To you
[Chorus:]


"On My Own" - Les Miserables
by Lea Salonga

On my own
Pretending he’s beside me
All alone I walk with him till morning
Without himI feel his arms around me
And when I loose my way
I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights
Are misty in the river
In the darkness
The trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me
Forever and forever

And I know
It’s only in my mind
That I’m talking to myself
And not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say There’s a way for us
I love him

But when the night is over
He’s gone
The river’s just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare
And everywhere The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I’m learning
All my life I’ve only been pretending
Without me His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

"Behind these Hazel Eyes"
By Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No I can't sleepI'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretendJ
ust thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside
Cause I can't breathe
No I can't sleepI
'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don't cry on the outside ANYMORE!

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

breakfast at McDonald's

Breakfast at McDonald's

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end!

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.The last class I had to take was Sociology.The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.Her last project of the term was called "Smile".

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch.. an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.

He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation. I held my tears as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you." I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope." We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.

We are not church goers, but we are believers.

That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.

I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

There is an Angel sent to watch over you.
An Angel wrote:
~~Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
***-To handle yourself, use your head
.***-To handle others, use your heart.
***-God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

~everytime i read this, i can't help but cry, because it's so beautiful. it reminds me that God is always there working in so many different ways. Daddy dear loves us so much and will never ever leave us hanging. He is always there to tell us that like Him we need to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY and ACCEPT everyone. He will lets us meet hardships and trials so that we may learn and flourish as His greatest creation.

The Prayer of Saint Therese of the Child Jesus

May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of you.

fake smiles..

(sigh) .. im so damn tired of of giving fake smiles. it kills me even more to pretend like everything is fine and i'm laughing again, when for a fact my heart is crushed into a million pieces.

"i'm retreating against life right now not because im afraid to face it but because im badly wounded and i need to attend to my wounds all alone so i can fight back immediately... This war of expectations honestly exhaust me... i find it difficult to breath.." -nanay leslie-

i know that feeling, it's the same feeling i'm experiencing right now.

life has it's ways of teaching us valuable lessons, sometimes it includes getting hurt. Right now, i feel so afraid of being alone, i dread the coming of every evening. i hate it when the night falls and signals that it's time to go to bed, because it is when i do nothing but stare at the ceiling and reflect on what transpired that day. i fear the return of every mournful event. i told him that it's time for me to distance myself from him. why? i'm so tired of getting hurt, i'm so tired of pretending everythings fine, eventhough it's not, i'm tired of pushing back the tears, i'm tired of giving fake smiles. i can't handle the pain anymore, i want to breakdown and cry, i want the world to know i'm a total wreck. i'm so damn tired of smiling every single time, the mask needs to go. it's time for me to let go and forget everything about him, everything that has happened. How i wish it's as easy as a snap of a finger, but it's not, i seriously don't know what to do. i can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, the thought of him being happy with the person he chose. i'm so hurt, i can't stop the tears from falling, alas, i'm crying i'm showing the world how wounded my heart. i dread that every night will always be like this, i just hope the one that will make the tears go away will finally come.

Though it hurts, i have to handle the pain. i must never wish for his return. we can never be more than friends,it's that way and it will always stay that way. Nobody is to be blamed for the hurt i have right now, but myself for i fell so hard. why does it always have to be like this? why do i always have to find love on the bitter side? i'm so tired of getting hurt. i smile yet my heart is tormented, stab a thousand time. i can't help but stare at his photo, everytime i do so, there's this unspeakable pain that pinches my heart and keeps me from breathing, so it becomes shallow & fast, the tears come & there's nothing i could do to make it stop.

~~~finding NEMO~~~

a few realizations

looking back, i realized somethings:

1. there will never be a perfect relationship (be it with friends, family or that special someone.

2. i improved my writing skills.

3. i'm not THAT stupid. reading my previous entries, helped me in my problems right now. i mean, during the moments i'm writing those entries, i thought it doesn't make any sense, but now i'm reading it, i somehow thought it was good. :)

4. LIFE is TOUGH - nothing in this world is easy, you have to work hard.

5. LOVE HURTS! - LOVE=PAIN , it always and i mean ALWAYS go together.

~ok i'll stop here, i'll just add somethings, some other time.~

finding nemo...

hmm.. bat ganun. buhay talaga. eion, ang hirap. putek naman oh, sa diname dame ng pwedeng problemahin, love life p adumating para problemahin ko. bwisit!. eto yung pinakaayaw ko problemahin sa lahat eh, hirap kasi ako na magkwento pag tungkol sa pag-ibig. ewan ko ba. sa ibang tao madali lng kapag ganun, pro sakin iba eh. ms madali pa magkwento pag tungkol sa pamilya. hay. kahit gaano ko man gusto ikwento o sabihin kung ano nararamdaman ko hindi ko pa rin magawa, cguro nga tanga ako, cguro nga. pero dahil gusto ko mailabas lahat ng nadarama ko ngayon, susubukan ko na masabi o maitype man lang sa blog na to ang lahat lahat. simulan natin sa simula...


first day: ayos, kolehiyo na ko!, yahoo!. saya saya, may new found freedom. game na ko simulan ang bagong yugto ng buhay ko. back to zero ulit. pag pasok ng room 101, wala pa ako kakilala. tahimik muna. huwag masayado maging feeling close baka kung ano isipin nila. may pumasok, dati kong klasmeyt nung gradeschool. may kakilala na ko.

first week: nadadagan ang new friends. :). saya. i'm loving college na! syempre ang unang taong nakilala ko nung first day, siya ang naging best friend ko. oh di ba?. iba rin ako. :). dami n namin na pagkwentuhan. girl stuff. syempre picture picture. parehas kaming vain eh. pero kahit siya bestfriend ko, kahit sinasabi niya sakin lahat. ako hindi ko masabi sa kanya lahat tungkol sakin. akala ko sati extrovert ako kasi sobrang ingay ko. madaldal, pero hindi rin pala. dami rin pala akong hindi nasasabi tungkol sakin, lalo n sa love life. di bale, first week pa lang. dami pa mangyayari.

first sem: hay, mahirap din pala maging kolehiyala. dami ginagawa, at syempre miss ko na rin highschool friends ko. pero dahil sobrang saya kasama ang bago kong barkada, hindi ako masayado nadodown. lagi sila andyan para sakin. pag masyado na kami na susubsob sa aral. break muna. let's have fun. dami nangyari. dami bonding moments, dami rin pictures. :). katuwa. masaya ako sa buhay kolehiyo ko kahit mapagalitan ng prof sa psych kasi nagpalit agad ng uniform, kahit bagsak ako sa test na sobrang hirap, kahit bumagyo at nasira ang mga salamin sa eskwlahan namin, ok parin. masaya kasama barkada ko ngayon.

sem break: eto na. nagsimula ang ahindi inaasahan, hay, may nagtext. woah, kagulat. hindi naman nagtetext toh dati ah. pro ok lng, kasama siya sa group of friends ko, kaya cge reply lng. ayon, nagsimula, textmates. buong sem break, katuwa, nagagamit ko n rin load ko.

second sem: imagine, bilis ng panahon. second sem na kami, matagal-tagal n rin pala kami nagsama-sama, medyo matagal ko n rin palang katext c *friend. dami na kaming napagusapan, eto pa, kahit magkasama n kami sa eskwelahan, magtetext parin yan pag-uwi nya. tapos unti-unti n siya nagiging sweet. hugs lang naman, kaya wala pa malisya saken, hinahug ko rin naman ibang friends ko eh.

christmas break: ganun parin, text dito, text diyan.. ok fast forward na natin.

other half ng second sem: hala, ano tong nararamdaman ko, napapadalas ata ang pagsasama namen ng kami lang ah. kahit alas-ocho ang klase, magaaya siya pumasok ng alas-syite, review daw kami sa library. bumibilis na tibok ng puso ko, naku!, mali to, ayaw ko. lagi ko na siya hinahanap, lagi ko na inaabangan bawat text niya. natutwa ako kapag kasama ko siya, ok lang kahit sobrang sakit na ng paa ko kakalakad kasama siya. pero mali pa rin, ayaw ko sa nararamdaman ko. ayaw ko!

before mag start ang summer class: hayy, nakakalungkot. may nangyari at pinapaalis na ako ng Pilipinas, kahit labag sa loob ko na umalis sa bansang kinagisnan ko, kylangan gawin. sabi ko sa sarili ko, kahit anong mangyari, babalik ako. kahit anong mangyari, pipilitin ko bumalik. at bago ako umalis, inamin ko kay *friend, na may nararamdaman ako para sa kanya. ano reaction niya?, wala!. bakit? kasi parehas lang daw kami ng nararamdaman. hay, ayaw ko nga di ba?. ayaw ko sa nararamdaman ko. gusto ko mawala yun!. ayun, during the summer break, akala ko successful ang ginawa kong pagmumuni-muni, at wala na yung feeling. yes, solve na!. bakit nga ba ayaw ko sa nararamdaman ko? kasi alam ko na masasaktan lang ako. ewan ko kung bakit, pero meron sa loob ko na nagsasabi, masasaktan lang ako, kaya habang maaga p, mawala na dapat toh.

~by some twist of faith nakabalik ako ng Pinas, at ayun, nakapag-enroll for summer classes, at ayun, summer classes n!, yes, makikita ko ulit barkada ko. masaya to.

summer classes: masaya na sana ako, kaso lang, etong GAG*NG lalaki n to, bwisit!, kala ko wala na yung nararamdaman ko for him, pro G*GO talaga, nagparamdam lang, sh*t, bumalik na naman. haayy, ang hirap na lalo, alisin yung feeling, panu ba naman araw araw magkasama kayo. tapos nagpaparamdam pa siya. highlight ng pagpaparamdam niya. debut ng friend nmen. minsan lang ako payagan sa ganyan kaya sobrang saya ko talaga nung pinayagan ako, todo shopping, para naman maganda ako di ba?. ayun, saya ng party. pero yung after party tlga ang mas masaya. pumunta kami sa bahay ng isa pa naming friend at nag inuman, hindi naman to the highest maximum inuman, katuwaan lang, wala naman nalasing and stuff. hay, medyo tipsy na si *friend kaya inaya ko na siya na tumigil at matulog na siya sa loob ng bahay. pero hindi talaga siya umalis hangga't hindi rin ako umaalis. kaya sinamahan ko na siya. sa loob, kaming dalawa pa lang kasi nasa labas pa yung iba, naglilinis, sabi ko sa kanya, tulog ka na. ginawa niya, humiga siya tapos sabi niya, tabi ka sakin, (take note:nsa floor kami kasi may nauna sa bed) edi tumabi ako kasi medyo inaatok na rin ako ng mga panahon na un. niyakap niya ko. hay, sarap ng feeling, pero mali eh. after nang gabing un (o umagang un). hiniram niya yung iPOD ko, pinahiram ko naman. at gumawa siya nang playlist, sabi niya, pakinggan ko dw, mga kanta daw niya un, pra sakin. at ang pinaka kanta niya daw para sakin ung "obvious" ng westlife. kayo n bhala humanap ng lyrics, ang tanga ko naman, kinilig ako. putek talaga!. mali!. hay. ayun, text text uli, sabi niya dami niya daw gustong itanong sakin, sabi ko before matapos ang summer, sige itanong para bago matapos ang summer nasagot ko yung mga tanong na yun. ganun nangyari, gusto niya ko, pero ako, eto, ayaw sa nararamdaman, kaya hindi nagsalita pero pinapakita ko naman. sumunod na debut. wala na yung dating sweetness n pinakita niya nung una, nagusap kami, syempre sa text, sabi itanong na niya lahat ng gusto niya itanong, sabi niya, wala na daw yun, mai sasabihin n lang siya, nung sinabi niya toh, nakaramdam ako ng takot, hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero naramdaman ko yung takot. sinabi niya, mas maganda siguro na friends na lang kami, ARAY!, hay, sinabi ko rin kasi sa kanya yan bago magsummer classes, hay, pero syempre hindi ko pinakita na nsaktan ako. tapos na ang summer classes.

summer break: hay, nakalipas ang ilang araw, ganun pa rin prang walang nagbago, swit siya sa text. ewan ko ba ad*k ata tlaga un eh. hay, hndi ko na kaya itago pa yung nararamdaman ko, sinabi ko ule sa kanya na, bumalik ung feeling n pinilit ko kalimutan before magsummer class. sbe niya, tignan na lang natin kung hanggang saan kami dadalhin nito, at sana walang EXPECTATIONS. hay, wala daw dapat iexpect. ayun, dun ako tanga, hndi ko pa nakita yung sign na un. pinigilan ko n dapat. hindi ko n dpat pinlaki pa ung feeling. haaaayy..

~~eto ako ngayon nasasaktan kasi alam ko may iba na siyang gusto. hayy..

layp tlga!.ang sakit sakit. nagseselos ako ng walang karapatan. umiiyak para sa taong wala naman pakialam. nakakainis lang kasi kahit ganu ko pigilan na tumulo yung luha, tutulo parin siya, kahit ganu ko itago na nasasaktan ako lumilitaw parin, oo nga, nakangiti ako, pero sobrang durog yung puso ko. sobra. ayoko na umiyak!. ayoko na masaktan!. nakakapagod. gusto ko na mawala to pero ganun talaga buhay, kailangan masaktan. :((

~sana lang makita ko na yung taong sa simula pa lang, alam kong tama yung nararamdaman ko, sana makita ko na yung taong, magpapangiti sakin ng tuluyan, sana makita ko na yung magpapabilis ng oras habang kasama ko siya,yung taong kaya ko sabihan ng lahat lahat, yung taong lagi andyan para sakin, yung taong mamahalin ako ng tunay, yung taong hindi titingin sa iba, yung taong nakalaan para sakin. sana makita ko na siya. hayy..~

~~~i'm still finding 'NEMO' .. ~~~