fake smiles..

(sigh) .. im so damn tired of of giving fake smiles. it kills me even more to pretend like everything is fine and i'm laughing again, when for a fact my heart is crushed into a million pieces.

"i'm retreating against life right now not because im afraid to face it but because im badly wounded and i need to attend to my wounds all alone so i can fight back immediately... This war of expectations honestly exhaust me... i find it difficult to breath.." -nanay leslie-

i know that feeling, it's the same feeling i'm experiencing right now.

life has it's ways of teaching us valuable lessons, sometimes it includes getting hurt. Right now, i feel so afraid of being alone, i dread the coming of every evening. i hate it when the night falls and signals that it's time to go to bed, because it is when i do nothing but stare at the ceiling and reflect on what transpired that day. i fear the return of every mournful event. i told him that it's time for me to distance myself from him. why? i'm so tired of getting hurt, i'm so tired of pretending everythings fine, eventhough it's not, i'm tired of pushing back the tears, i'm tired of giving fake smiles. i can't handle the pain anymore, i want to breakdown and cry, i want the world to know i'm a total wreck. i'm so damn tired of smiling every single time, the mask needs to go. it's time for me to let go and forget everything about him, everything that has happened. How i wish it's as easy as a snap of a finger, but it's not, i seriously don't know what to do. i can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, the thought of him being happy with the person he chose. i'm so hurt, i can't stop the tears from falling, alas, i'm crying i'm showing the world how wounded my heart. i dread that every night will always be like this, i just hope the one that will make the tears go away will finally come.

Though it hurts, i have to handle the pain. i must never wish for his return. we can never be more than friends,it's that way and it will always stay that way. Nobody is to be blamed for the hurt i have right now, but myself for i fell so hard. why does it always have to be like this? why do i always have to find love on the bitter side? i'm so tired of getting hurt. i smile yet my heart is tormented, stab a thousand time. i can't help but stare at his photo, everytime i do so, there's this unspeakable pain that pinches my heart and keeps me from breathing, so it becomes shallow & fast, the tears come & there's nothing i could do to make it stop.

~~~finding NEMO~~~